As a child I grew up in a very eclectic household where religion was concerned. I am pretty sure my father believed in God. My mom overtly proclaimed herself at best agnostic, and sometimes atheistic, but she loved to study religion. My brother was a lot older than I, and it was never obvious what he believed. My sister seemed to believe back then and I often accompanied her to church, although now I am not so sure what she thinks about God. Needless to say, I was pretty much left to my own decisions about practicing a religion, or not.
Probably because I went to Sunday school as a child, I thought God existed. I remember being told He was present everywhere and knew everything. That also meant that He cared for me and watched over me. I admit I had some important questions concerning all the qualities I assumed He had, and yes, at the time God was a He. It certainly did not make sense that He could actually do so much at the same time. Even my small world had a lot of people in it. I did think he was a forgiving God. One of the kids in my neighborhood told me I would “go to hell” if I was not a Catholic, and I somehow knew that would not happen if I was a “good person” because God would know. God was a very powerful “good person” outside of me that would help me as long as I was a “good person” too.
Throughout my teenage years, I went to various churches off and on mostly for the social aspect, including the fashion aspect since back then people dressed up a lot more that they do now. During that time, I also remember periods when I prayed often, usually before going to sleep at night. I still figured it did not hurt to practice that ritual just in case there was really a God out there watching over me. I also did that when I really wanted something. God was still that very powerful, multi-tasking entity that he was when I was younger.
Into my twenties, influenced by the era and many outside sources including college professors who blatantly professed atheism, I started questioning God’s existence. Although I certainly saw myself as a spiritual being, I was open to all sorts of new thought systems. What I was became much more important than who, or if, God was. I know for sure I recognized death did not mean the end of me.
From my mid-twenties to my late fifties, I was caught up in a thought system where God was not very important, a kind of take it or leave it situation. During that time, I was pretty busy working on outsmarting any God that might exist anywhere. Believe it or not, I was involved with a very “organized religion,” just not one of the Christian variety. I was so busy trying to trump God that I did not even notice that the religion I was involved in was possibly the worst kind of “organized.”
As I left that religion, I started studying everything I could get my hands on: Wallace Wattles, Charles Haanel,Eckhart Tolle,Gary Renard, Abraham-Hicks, and many more. I even began meditating. A Course in Miracles appeared in my life many times as an option, but it took a while for me to pay attention. Even after I paid attention, the terminology was a bit of a put off for me. I wanted to use “Source” instead of God, or add “or whatever you choose to call it” every time I said it. At some point during that period I had a wonderful moment during meditation that changed all that. I had an experience with something so absolute that it was life changing, especially since I knew I was an extension of it.
A Course in Miracles has been the perfect enhancement of that moment. I now know that GOD is something totally different than that powerful, multi-tasking being who I thought watched over me when I was young. God is all there is. He does not watch over anything because there is nothing else. Fortunately, I am an extension of God. And, God just is.
Toddy enjoys writing, her family and living in New Mexico. She and her husband have owned and operated several business, including current ones that are all family owned. Visit her blog at ForYourWindows blog and her online store at www.foryourwindows.com
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